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Posts Tagged ‘Humour’

Samson and Goliath

Humphhhhh! Disappointed that only Alan in Belfast commented on my recent post Belfast Photo Puzzle. Perhaps my enjoyment in taking some photographs on a beautiful sunny morning around the once famous Belfast shipyard just didn’t scratch my readers where they were itching.

This area now rejoices in the name Titanic Quarter! Yes, in  N. Ireland we have shed our hang-ups about the Titanic and decided to rejoice in the glorious history of our shipbuilding industry. And why should that be? Well…

1. As the chorus of a Belfast song goes: “Don’t blame me and don’t blame Jimmy; she was alright when she left the Yard!”

2. Centenaries can change perspectives – and besides the cruise ship business is bringing 33 ships and 58,000 passengers to Belfast this summer  – and they are hungry to find out more about the origins of the infamous Titanic.

By the way there is a brilliant walking tour that is a must-do if you are in Belfast – Titanic Walking Tours  – it will turn you into a Titanorac!

Crystal Serenity Cruise Ship Belfast 27th July 2011

But what’s all this about Samson and Goliath and what’s the photo at the top of the page? Well, the photo shows Samson and Goliath, the two giant cranes that dominate the Belfast skyline.

As I was doing some photo research, I came upon a UTV story about Samson and Goliath from earlier this year.

One of the most iconic features of the Belfast sky-line could be set for a revamp, as part of plans to make the Harland and Wolff cranes “more relevant” for 2012.

Initially I was filled with horror, but read it for yourself… horror turned into smiles.

 

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Look at this photo carefully

Ryanair defends use of “sky oars” in new sub-economy Galley Class

Ryanair has robustly defended the introduction of ‘sky oars’ in their new sub-economy class. Each oar is operated by a row of three passengers and the designer, Patrick from Marketing, thinks they could help propel the aircraft. Stripped to the waist and heavily manacled, passengers in the new ‘Galley’ class can expect to save up to 20% on the price of a ticket.

Having flown from Belfast to Luton this evening with Ryanair competitors easyJet, I found this quite hilarious. You have to read the whole article, especially to appreciate this punch line:

… it is nice to be able to whip the customers again.

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Dear Mr. Cameron,

Please find below our third and final (for now at least) suggestion for fixing the UK’s economy.

I should add, Mr Cameron, that I am slightly apprehensive that some of my readers are equating these ideas with some of your current policies eg the NHS and weekly bin collections and thinking that I, like you, am totally serious in my suggestions.

The third suggestion should definitely be taken with a pinch of salt…

Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that during the mad cow epidemic our government could track a single cow, born in Appleby almost three years ago, right to the stall where she slept in the county of Cumbria?

And, they even tracked her calves to their stalls. But they are unable to locate 125,000 illegal immigrants wandering around our country. Maybe we should give each of them a cow.

Thanks to a friend for forwarding these suggestions to me: original source unknown.

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Dear Mr. Cameron,

Please find below our second suggestion for fixing the UK’s economy.

Let’s put the pensioners in jail and the criminals in a nursing home.

This way the pensioners would have access to showers, hobbies and walks.

They’d receive unlimited free prescriptions, dental and medical treatment, wheel chairs etc and they’d receive money instead of paying it out.

They would have constant video monitoring, so they could be helped instantly, if they fell, or needed assistance.

Bedding would be washed twice a week, and all clothing would be ironed and returned to them.

A guard would check on them every 20 minutes and bring their meals and snacks to their cell.

They would have family visits in a suite built for that purpose.

They would have access to a library, weight room, spiritual counselling, pool and education.

Simple clothing, shoes, slippers, PJ’s and legal aid would be free, on request.

Private, secure rooms for all, with an exercise outdoor yard, with gardens.

Each senior could have a PC a TV radio and daily phone calls.

There would be a board of directors to hear complaints, and the guards would have a code of conduct that would be strictly adhered to.

The criminals would get cold food, be left all alone and unsupervised. Lights off at 8pm, and showers once a week. Live in a tiny room and pay £600.00 per week and have no hope of ever getting out.

Thanks to a friend for forwarding these suggestions to me: original source unknown.

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Dear Mr. Cameron,

Please find below our suggestion for fixing the UK’s economy.

Instead of giving billions of pounds to banks that will squander the money on lavish parties and unearned bonuses, use the following plan:

You can call it the Patriotic Retirement Plan:

There are about 10 million people over 50 in the work force.

Pay them £1 million each severance for early retirement with the following stipulations:

1) They MUST retire.
Ten million job openings – unemployment fixed

2) They MUST buy a new British car.
Ten million cars ordered – Car Industry fixed

3) They MUST either buy a house or pay off their mortgage –
Housing Crisis fixed

4) They MUST send their kids to school/college/university –
Crime rate fixed

5) They MUST buy £100 WORTH of alcohol/tobacco a week …..
And there’s your money back in duty/tax etc

It can’t get any easier than that!

P.S. If more money is needed, have all members of parliament pay back their falsely claimed expenses and second home allowances

Thanks to a friend for forwarding this suggestion to me: original source unknown.

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I just can’t resist re-blogging Wonky Donkey by Kevin!

Look who's talking

It’s all about Shrek / Sherk / Balaam and a talking donkey.

It’s probably doing things the wrong way round, but I’m going to give you the punchline – and encourage you to read the whole blog!

The angel left them, amused at the things Yahweh sometimes sent him to do. And thinking, wow, when Christians read this story in a few thousand years time they are gonna think it’s some kind of April Fool.

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Yesterday was just one of those days. It started well, I got to the office early and took time to read my E100 passage in Exodus 1 & 2.  Just before Lois, our work experience Sixth former, reported for duty, the Oki printer proclaimed “Fatal Error Message”. But I’ve learned not to trust a printer that has cried wolf so often, turned it off for a while and of course it worked. (One day that’s not going to happen.) I called Nathan our local IT fixer anyway, but he wasn’t available.

Lois arrived. I showed her round the office. Miranda arrived and we all moved furniture so a member home leave de-brief could happen in the back room. I confirmed that Lois could go visit Bible translators Norman and Ruth on Tuesday morning – thanks for being so willing, guys! I took Lois through a Powerpoint introduction to Wycliffe – during which she learned how to say “Tomorrow I will eat bananas” in the Agni language of SE Ivory Coast. And then it was time for coffee and prayer and lots of scones which had apparently also come for the de-brief.

I got Lois installed on the front desk computer; Steph trained her in how to be our receptionist and answer the phone and put people through to people. Would you believe it – nobody phoned all morning! Dinger messaged me on Facebook about accommodation for the Saltmine team during the From Eden to Eternity tour – and that was very useful.

My main job (apart from looking after Lois) was to finalise the list of invitees for our performance of From Eden to Eternity in the Great Hall at Stormont Parliament Buildings. It seems to have taken an eternity to compile the list and get all the e-mail addresses sorted out. I Skyped back and forwards with Paul in Horsleys Green for most of the day as he sent up the technology so the invites would go out as if by magic. Do all IT guys have a magic wand?

I phoned Belfast Bible College to check some addresses, but the people I wanted weren’t there. I phoned Neil from the events staff at Stormont to sort a few queries re the invitation format. In the middle of all this I talked to Alistair , my minister, but I haven’t a clue what we talked about – however conversations with Alistair are always useful so it was probably crucial to the success of the day’s work.  Filipu phoned to ask could he have a desk in the office for a few days this week – no problem.

Lois was happily surfing and researching all about Wycliffe Bible Translators online and preparing a questionnaire to interview Miranda (and eventually the rest of us) about why we joined Wycliffe and what we do. Steph briefed Lois about going to Queen’s University CU that evening with her.

Lunch came and went somewhere in the middle of all this…

Tim from Methodist Missionary Society phoned about this coming Saturday’s Global Vision 2011 event at which I am speaking – that was good since he supplied me with a couple of Methodist movers and shakers for the invite list. Texted Peter who came up with a number of Vineyard contacts…

Lois interviewed Miranda and soon Lois left to fit in a piano lesson…

Paul and I were getting somewhere… I was seeing some light at the end of the Stormont invites tunnel at last, so I felt free to head off and play tennis with Ruth. Bashing tennis balls around an indoor court is an amazing physical relief after one of those days…

And by the way, I’m convinced that throughout this “just one of those days” day, I helped translate the Bible!

Scripture Access Statistics

PS Today the e-mail (and some postal) invites to From Eden to Eternity at Stormont went out and by this evening the online registrations were beginning to trickle through to my e-mail account. Somewhere somebody is praying!

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